The date is 30th of December. The year is 2020. I have been saying since middle school that 'the end of the world is coming' and I guess 2020 was my version of it. You see, I have always been this dramatic, all-or-nothing type of person and it seems I have been preparing myself for a time when I could say 'I was right' (which happens regularly, but I am trying to apply some modesty here).
This year started well, I had finally reached some sort of peace and stability both in my professional and personal life but by March I would soon discover how quickly and easily this 'sense of control' can be taken away from you. And when you suffer from anxiety and are a bit (a lot) of a control freak, this can be quite distressing.
I had started working from home, which was a delight in the first two months (I was finally able to recuperate all the lost time with commuting, sleeping better and getting to do the chores around the house I could never find time for): my house was spotless, my bras forgotten somewhere at the back of some cupboard, I was cooking fresh dinners every night, I was taking walks every day after work, I started baking, I was feeling totally in control in uncertain times. It was great. But, of course, this was short-lived. Work got really busy and, all of a sudden, it was all I was doing. My dining room, which now served as an office, was giving me anxiety attacks. My back and neck started hurting, my head was a mess, I couldn't concentrate, my eyes were constantly burning, I had little to no patience left, I wasn't sleeping, I couldn't disconnect or quiet my thoughts and all I wanted to do was run. Not the good kind of running (I have never been a runner) but that kind that makes your problems go away. See, work had always been something I could control, but now it had become an ongoing chaos and despite my efforts to keep it stable, it proved too difficult to keep organised.
The isolation didn't help either. I missed people and I was constantly worried for them. Worried that they will get ill, that they will fall pray to all the weird conspiracies going around, worried that our relationships will never recover from the distance, worried that I will become anti-social and too comfortable with these four walls... I worry, non-stop. About everything. In general. And the pandemic only made it worse. I cannot control everything, I cannot control what people do or think, I cannot protect them. I was not in control.
This year has taken away everyone's masks. We were stripped naked and all our insecurities, fears and hidden beliefs were made available for everyone to see. Behind the many screens we used to communicate, we felt free, we articulated thoughts that were never meant to be alive, we spoke of things that should have remained unspoken, we tried to regain control by creating alternative realities which could answer the many questions we had. Not all was helpful, not all was kind.
This year has shown us our true colours. When faced with the prospect of death, we became selfish and we resorted to less-than-human ways to maintain a false sense of control. Survival is not what was thought to be. Despite the many amenities that we had at our disposal (electricity, internet, a roof over our heads, food and water, medical care and experts etc.) we still struggled to do our bit. The sacrificies asked of us seemed to be too much to ask for. The pleas for exerting common sense were not enough to stop us - as I once said in another post, common sense is not that common.
This year has given me many answers about me and about humanity. I have learnt that I can be alone and that I don't have to always be in control, I have learnt that we are more than just bodies and that our worth is not translated into weight or looks, I have learnt how easily people can be controlled with social media, I have learnt toilet paper is an essential good, I have learnt that real friendships can survive no matter what... and ultimately I have realised that I am one of the good ones.
This year was the year when everything stood still but our minds. The planet had a well-deserved break from the toxins we threw at it every day, entire cities and towns stopped for a while, humanity paused to reflect on how quickly everything can be taken away and how much of an impact our actions have on this earth.
As for me, I have been humbled and made very aware of my privilege, but I am still grateful for being alive, along with my friends and family, I am thankful to all the people that fed us and kept everything working so we can just stay at home and I am sorry for all the sadness that could have been prevented.
My here scattered thoughts are a true reflection of how 2020 worked and how difficult it has been to follow a single trail or idea to completion but, nevertheless, I hope I have managed.
2020, goodbye. I hope we learn from this and be better.
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